Idol Chatter
Do you remember the Billy Idol interview with that title? It was in Penthouse when I was too young to buy Penthouse. Yet, I found a way… I don’t think my mother ever figured out that the back side of that Idol picture had a pair of women engaged in ‘activities’ on the back side. <snicker>
CD run last night. I spent a few moments ripping:
- Billy Idol – The Very Best of
- Disturbed – Indestructible
- Tokio Hotel – Scream
- Queensryche – Sign of the Times: The Best of
- Motley Crue – Saints of Los Angeles
Iron Maiden – Piece of Mind is still in the car…
The Idol collection included a DVD which I have running on my development machine. Some of these videos I haven’t seen in years. Seeing ‘Catch My Fall’ reminded me of a few things.
First verse:
I have the time so I will sing yeah
I’m just a boy but I will win yeah
Lost song of lovers fellow travelers yeah
Leave me sad and hollow out of words
Second verse:
I’ve traveled and unwound my own truth yeah
I’ve laid my head on the rock of youth yeah
I’ve trusted and then broken my own word
Just to keep me free in this mad, mad word
Yeah. I’ve been there. “Sad and hollow.” “Traveled and unwound my own truth.” “Trusted then broken my own word just to keep me free in this mad, mad world.” It makes me tired to think about it. I have traveled a very long way. I’ve seen things that I shouldn’t have. Done things that I shouldn’t have. Lied, cheated, betrayed, and much worse. All in an effort to survive.
But… What about the kindnesses? What about the moments of sharing and giving of self without expectation or want and all the rest. What about those moments? Is it so simple, our rejection of goodness for memories of darkness?
It is simple.
We as humans are pre-programmed to remember the bad stuff. That’s how we as a species survived this long. “Here’s a tip Sparky. Don’t get too close to the lions.” One slip and you would either never make the mistake again or be dinner. Modernity and social organization have blunted the need for such memories, but they are still not outmoded ideas. We learn to move past the struggles and conflict. Hope in a better tomorrow is the only logical reason for our continuation. Right? Blind hope. It all sounds hollow and sad. And I’m back to the start.
To circle back a bit. You might be asking what the ‘worse’ is. Indifference. That is the worse that I can do. To just not care anymore. To not lift a finger to help or harm. It has been explained to me that the opposite of love is not hate but apathy. I know that is true.
At the cusp of my last divorce, I didn’t feel anything. Relief, I suppose. I wasn’t angry or sad or anything like that. I was just happy to have a reason to get rid of that bitch, once and for all. The anger and rage came later when I fully realized the total (lingering) negative impact that she had on my life. I am still paying off debts from her stupidity. It would be giving her too much credit to call it manipulation. But have no doubt if there ever came a moment when she needed my help, I would take great and sustained pleasure in refusing. Hell, I might even remind her of her past failings and disfigured body and mind just to make it harder for her. The last time I spoke with her, our cat had turned up stray in Washington State. I refused to give him back to her unless she paid me what I had spent on his care, $500. She cried and gave me more excuses about how she was broke and blah, blah, blah. I kept him. In the end, a disease he got while in her care killed him. So tell me, what kind of person fights to keep an animal then lets it get a terminal disease through neglect and abuse? Cunt.
There it is again. Indifference. Her indifference killed a cat that she said she loved. I took him to the vet. I cared for him when he was at the end. I stroked his fur when he breathed his last breath. And where was his other protector, the one who picked him up from the pound on the day he was supposed to be nuked, while still a kitten?
Indifference.
I know I am far from perfect, but I do my best to honor my commitments which is exactly why I don’t have kids. I know they can’t be returned or ignored when the mood of indifference strikes. Having children is a true lifelong commitment. I have never been in a place where I thought I could honestly make that promise. Things have changed, but now my moment has pasted and I know it. So I have no children.
Let’s end this diatribe and return to the music. Move videos keep streaming by, bringing new and old thoughts to fore.
Flesh for Fantasy – I lost my virginity to that one. One dark night, in my bedroom with Stephanie with the 12” single version on the turntable in repeat mode. That was a while ago. 
Sweet Sixteen – Reminds me of lost loves and the lack of answers provided by time and distance.
L.A. Woman – Cybernetic Idol, still limping from his motorcycle crash. I know they hype’d the limp a bit, but the bones were still not quite regrown when the vid was shot. I guess this is one song that I would love to learn how to play on guitar. Maybe I will apply a little effort to that… someday.
Just watching these videos makes me smile and sneer. Do you remember Idol’s sneer?
Hills are filled with fire.
If they say I never loved you
Well, you know they are a liar.Cops and cars and topless bars
I never saw a woman
So alone
So alone
So alone
Time to dive into the next round of edits on this code. Reworking code to be compliant with the publish development standards is soooo exciting. Does every DLL have the appropriate XML reference output? Are the files named correctly? Are the variables named correctly? Are we using the Microsoft Enterprise Libraries correctly? And all the rest… It is even more exciting when I didn’t write the code I am editing. “Why did he do that?” <sigh> “Moron” Then I fix it.
