New struggles
October has arrived and with it the rain. It rained yesterday. The forecast is for rain for the rest of the week. Hmm…
So?
So.
I am no longer working as a fish monger. What a relief! The change came last month a few days before my birthday. The project I had been working on was a complete failure. The lead developer/project manager and I had delivered everything to the agreed spec, but it wasn’t what the client wanted so… I was already irritated by the way office politics had been going. I find it a bit disconcerting when the manager and the technical lead literally throwing punches at each other just a few feet from my head. And they don’t see anything wrong with that kind of behavior. Throw in a few incest jokes and being constantly insulted when I prove that I do in fact know what I am doing. Fuck me! It just gets old. So when I was cut, I was actually relieved. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be anywhere near there.
Finding a new gig has been a bit of a struggle. I called around to all of my old contacts. Some are working for me. Some have moved on to other kinds of work. I have gotten a few calls, but nothing solid as of yet. I just hope the Boeing gig in Seattle isn’t my only option. Sure the money rocks, but I don’t really want to relocate to that place. I have lots of reasons for stay in Portland. I really don’t want to leave this place.
I took my mother in for another surgery last week. She’s fine, but the episode threw off my whole week. After class Monday, I drove down to McMinnville. I never sleep well down there. Up at 06:45 (WTF?), back into PDX, sit, wait, worry, wait, more worrying, more waiting, finally she’s out and hungry! Red Lobster cures that one. I score her pain meds, then head back into the city just in time for rush hour. I’m already mental, emotionally, and physically wasted then I get rush hour. Great. My mood is similarly in the gutter. Wednesday, I slept for 13 hours. Still, the events threw off my whole week and I have shit that I have got to get done! I need to find a new gig. I don’t want another full-time position if I can avoid it. I really don’t want to be tied down or involved in office politics. I just want to come in, do my work, then leave. If you want me to stay longer, then pay me for it. I’m fine with that and the extra cash for being a consultant is always nice.
I haven’t ridden much. I did a 100 miles with Christine a few weeks ago. I lead her down near Estacada. She still had her hand wrapped up and her head was still not fully clear of the crash memories. I took off and left her to deal with the corners on her own as she requested. After about 50 miles I pulled off. She pulled in behind me. We talked, then headed back. This time she was in the lead. Since it always takes me a few minutes to get my shit collected, she had a bit of a head start. It took about 10 miles to get her back in sight, then another 10+ to get near her. So much for her “tip-toeing” through the corners. When I did finally catch her, she was gently rolling through a set of chicanes. Having crashed more than a few times, I can understand her apprehension and fear. She crashed on a right-hander, so those were the challenge. I don’t think I have ridden once since that afternoon jaunt. I should saddle back up but my heart just isn’t into it these days.
I have to find a way to break out of this mental/emotional slump. I am a little bummed out about a few personal issues, including my mom’s surgeries. I am trying to find a way forward through all of the chaos that has surrounded me since Tony and Christine split up. He’s filed for divorce. I don’t know exactly what she is going to do. I know she is very angry at him for his behavior over the last few years! Tony no longer talks to me and he has asked her to not have me help her move out. I don’t know what he thinks I have done to him. I will admit to taking her side in all of this. Watching his behavior of the last year brought back too many memories of Kelly and all of her bullshit. He demanded everything and seemed to give nothing back, just like Kelly did to me. So, no I have zero sympathy for his plight. She propped him up for years and he treated her like shit for it. Just like Kelly! When she moved out, I stopped calling him. He hasn’t called me either, so I can’t see that he has any room to think I abandoned him. He never said a single word to me. He never asked a single question. So whatever he thinks is going on is completely hearsay and supposition.
When Tony filed for divorce without even having the balls to tell her in advance! Let’s just say I wasn’t particularly proud of his methodology. It’s not like they don’t swap emails. He could have written her a quick note that said, “I just wanted to let you know I am filing.” Both of my ex-wives knew it was coming and I handed the papers over in person. Yeah. It sucks. I know better than most people. Divorce is one of the most painful experiences most people go through beyond losing a parent or child. But you can stand up and say what you want/need or you can slither around and get some sleaze-ball lawyer to do it for you. Yeah. That pissed me off and reinforces my belief that I chose wisely.
I should stop. They both might read this blog and I don’t want to add any more fuel to the fire. Let’s just say that no matter what happens, I know that I made a choice. I walked away from a friend and all of the good things he brought into my life. I also know he has made every effort to make himself appear the innocent victim and has done everything he can to isolate Christine. It takes two to make a marriage work. I watched him go after Laura. I’ve heard the stories about him getting fired for alleged sexual harassment. I’ve heard the stories of women showing up at 3 am begging to see him. I’ve seen him whine for more motorcycles/mountain bikes/leathers/etc. I’ve seen him act with total disregard for her feelings and actively try to manipulate her to get something he wants. Grabbing her so hard that he bruised her arm and snarling that she is fucking up his vacation, which he did absolutely nothing to arrange or pay for is a perfect example of bullshit-dickhead behavior. At least Randy and I paid our fair share to attend. And to now claim that his is innocent, that he knew nothing of her dissatisfaction? Give me a fucking break! That’s just shitty. Grow up. Admit that it takes two and that he has just as much to do with the dissolution as she does. Yes, I know he doesn’t want to grow up or act like an adult. His repeated public statements make that perfectly clear. Why should this event be any different?
Fuck it. I don’t have the energy to waste on another pointless debate. I guess I will go back to my code. At least there is some logic in that one.
