Darkness
Do you have those days when nothing seems to go right? The small and not so small slip and slide away. This has been one of those days for me. I don’t know. I’m tired. I’m sick and I have no way of telling those near me that I’m sorry. This is my only medium for that effort.
I have an unintentional habit of alienating those closest to me. I think it is a defense mechanism from my less than pleasant childhood. That doesn’t diminish the impact on those around me, but at least I am learning to see it for what it really is. The next hurdle is to learn how to not continue this cycle. I guess that is part of the next evolution.
I’m sorry.
Yesterday, I railed around Crown Point on the FJR. Having ridden over 2800 miles when I went down to Cali last month, my comfort level has increased dramatically. I dragged the right foot peg. Once I had dropped in, settled into my lean angle, I felt my right foot touch the tarmac. I lifted the bike a tad until I realized what was happening. My thoughtful response was to lean into it and accelerate. The front wheel lifted as I exited the corner. There is so much torque in 2nd gear. Over an hour in the saddle and a new set of tires proceeded this moment. My chicken strips are the thinnest they have ever been.
Last week I sold the YZF. Another evolution.
I have much to be thankful for at the moment. But honestly, I’m not thankful on this day. My relationships are in tatters and I don’t have the strength or will to fix them on this day. On this day, I have made my choice and walked away those that care most about me, yet again. Only time will tell if there will be any reconciliations. The paradox of being bi-polar is the swings. I can experience ecstasy one moment and lash out in the very next moment as my armour falls into place without warning or self-realization. This pattern makes my heart bleed. Heaven and hell rolled into one moment.
The darkness overshadows everything.
