Rhetorical Question:
Today wasn’t exactly a good day. I spent all of my day fighting with C++ code. I learned that I actually loathe C++. It just sucks. Everything is so hard to do . Especially when I am trying to do anything useful in C++.Net! I couldn’t find any documentation for that fu%#ing language! I needed to do a fairly simple thing, basically rewrite the Perl script that I wrote yesterday. But I couldn’t figure out how to do it. In Perl, I can reference the command-line in three different ways. I could only find one way to do it in C++ and that method didn’t return the results I needed. S/F/P
I spent all day working on this. I did find a way to do it, but it wasn’t as elegant as I wanted. It was a brute force hack. Not that’s a bad thing. But it is just so… crude.
So. My question?
What is the difference between striving to be a strong, independent individual and being a martyr?
When to ask?
When not to ask?
When is asking for help a sign of strength and self-knowledge?
When it is a sign of weakness?
I struggle with that issue. When should I admit that I can’t do something on my own? When should I ask? When should I show some backbone and just do it, whatever that difficult topic might be? When can I ask and not make it a negative self-serving experience, a crutch? When is it just admitting that I need a little extra help moving through this life?
I have friends who never ask for help. I have friends who don’t seem to be able to function without help. Am I reading everything all wrong, reading things incorrectly through my filtered lens, my testosterone haze. Is everything actually flipped? The one(s) that never ask for help are the ones who have a delusion that they can function without the support and encouragement of their family of friends are they the ones who are actually hurting the most, the most likely to fail, the most willing to martyr themselves? Or is it a sign of strength and an idea of self-worth and confidence?
One the other side of the coin, I have friends how ask me for help at the drop of a hat. I have certain skills that most people don’t have. I am after all a computer geek. I can think in 3 or 4 different programming languages and that doesn’t count markup languages like HTML and XML. I always try to support those friends. And I do so willingly, without resentment or feeling over stretched. I do have coping mechanisms when I am feeling that I’m spread too thin. I just disappear for a little while. Everyone knows what’s going on. I am asked. If I can help, I do. It is that simple. The process makes me feel better. I enjoy helping other people. It is a reward in itself.
So which is it? Do I need to let go and ask for help more often or is the status quo working for me? I realize I have made major shifts to my situation in the last few years. My realty today is very different from my reality this same time last year. I was at Intel then, struggling to get back into the normal work force. I was riding most days, driving my lit’ Mazda, doing my thing. Then it ramped up and crashed. Now I live alone, drive a Titan, ride when I can and generally do my own thing. Am I happy? No. But I’m not unhappy (most of the time).
>shrug<
I don’t know. I wish I could always help my friends. I want my closest friends to trust me enough to ask when they have need. Generally speaking I believe that is true. I do get asked. And I am working to learn to ask myself. “I need help” That is such a hard phrase to vocalize.
On another note, I learn that my mom is in fact getting a pace maker next month. I had thought that option was off the table for a while. I believe that was the exact phrase her PCP used, “Off the table.” My mom’s cardiologist had a different perspective and since he is the heart specialist… She is getting a pace maker installed next month. I think I might have to ask for some help when this upcoming event rolls around.
But how do I ask?
