Another day, another…
Fuck. I don’t know.
I am another wonderful day at work. The problems with data replication consumed my entire morning. The bulk of that time I had my boss standing over my shoulder, giving me “advice.” Along the way, he realized he didn’t remember enough to do anything different than I had done. It was one of those peat and repeat events. I did as much as I could with my limited knowledge and experience. In the end, I had to pass it over to the technical lead. On one hand, it was damaging to my ego. On another, I really didn’t care about that. My frustration was not solving the problem. I hadn’t actually been trained on how to do the replication and I was dealing with the production system. Our replication takes days to catch up if things get out of sync. So the last thing I wanted to do was fuck the system. After over three more hours of non-progress, I handed it off and left for lunch. I was just too fried to care or contribute by that point in my day. The tech lead figured out the problem in just a few minutes. I had created an invalid index along the way. That screwed everything up, ergo no replication. When I came back from lunch, everything was running.
It should be pretty obvious, I went to lunch alone today. I wasn’t interested in spending time with anyone. There are external markers that remind me of when I am pushing too hard. Today, it was the inablility to eat. I had the same problem yesterday, but one day does not a pattern make. Two days, that’s the beginnings of a pattern. I went to my usual lunchtime haunt, Taco Del Mar for a #3: shredded beef burrito, with refried beans, rice, cheese, and sour cream, plus chips, chili con queso (cheese dip) and a 32 oz Dr. Pepper. I couldn’t finish my food. I could only eat about half before I had to stop. I wrapped up my left-overs and headed back to the office. When I got there most everyone had left for their lunch break. I enjoyed the solitude. The lights were off and I was alone. The rest of my day was spent writing code, resolving logic issues and loading test data by hand but I was in a funk from the last two days of unproductive struggle. I eventually ate the rest but it took me 3 hours to eat a 20 minute meal. I skipped dinner as well. A bottle of water was enough.
The drive home was uneventful. I had originally thought about going for a ride on the YZF, but my lack of mental clarity and general fatigue kept me at home. I think I’ve already crashed enough for this year. I was truly feeling ‘bad.’ I had an offer to spend the evening watching MotoGP racing, but even that didn’t sound appealing. I didn’t want to do any more damage to others. I simply wanted to stay home. After checking my email, crawled into bed with my laptop and a new set of movies from Netflix, “My Super-ex Girlfriend” and “The Guardian.” Two very different movies to say the least. Once again, I was reminded of just how much I miss Alaska. It is such a land of paradoxes. The best and the worst of everything! Hate it. Love it. Can’t stop thinking about it. Know enough to not want to live there again, at least not right now.
I noodled with my code, but nothing of value came of it. Now, it’s after 23:00 and I’m numb. Emotionally and physically wasted. So why can’t I sleep? I saw an article online about how sleep deprivation negatively impacts judgment, especially in emotional decisions. Food for thought. I suppose I should take heed, take my melatonin, and try to get some rest tonight.
Tomorrow, I have a check-up at the doctor’s office and my truck might be ready as well. If I can sleep and it isn’t raining first thing in the morning, I think the YZF will get a little action.
Tomorrow, will be a better day.
Faith.
Live / Learn / Grow / Tranquility
