Conflicted, again.
I am not having a good day.
I keep feeling enormous amounts guilt and frustration over the events of the last couple of weeks. On one hand, I know I am trying to do what I believe is the ‘right’ thing to do, but not one around me seems to agree. I get mixed messages, silence and the brushoff depending upon who I engage. This is very hard for me to do. And I don’t see that it should be so difficult for everyone else to understand. I’m trying to fix myself so that I can be better, a better person, a better friend, a better partner. But that message doesn’t seem to get through. The ex called me selfish. Well, is it better to be selfish today so that I can become a healthier, stronger person tomorrow?
Why do I care what other people think? If they can’t deal with me then “Fuck’em” That used to be my general attitude Now, things are a bit more gray. I don’t ever want to hurt someone close to me. In an effort to avoid that, I am trying to explain myself, to communicate as much as I am comfortable and able to. That’s not an easy thing to do. My moods twist and shift with the events of my day. I write good code, I’m happy. I play a good riff, I’m happy. I sit in traffic too long, I’m not. I sit too long reflecting without deciding upon a course of action, I’m not happy.
I am trying to do the hard thing: grow up and get my shit together. So why do I feel so alienated right now?
The intensity fades. The anger falls away. I am the one sitting alone in the dark, by choice.
Actually, I feel like shit today. I just want to go back home and go to sleep. That’s not going to happen, but it does sound nice.
