Early Morning…
Mist over rain slick streets… Lita Ford riffs quietly on the stereo as I roll out on to the street.
Where am I going?
What am I doing?
I honestly don’t know.
Those around are taking various positions with my latest synaptic disruption. There’s a reason why my handle is motoPsycho. This isn’t the first melt down I have had. Hopefully, it will be the last. I need to learn new coping mechanisms, new ways of approaching my own life.
The first ex and I have been sending emails back in forth for a couple years now. She knows of my latest break with reality. I think it aroused more than a tad of hostility in her. Don’t get me wrong she has every reason to want my head (pick one) on a platter. The last time I had a melt down like this one she was the primary target for all of my anger, frustration, and delusional thinking. Yesterday, she made a few comments that sliced right through my anger and left me feeling miserable in a different way. I choose these paths with little or no regard for the impact of those around me. Yes. That is true. She lost all integrity for me when I exploded at her so many years ago, a lifetime ago, yet, not so long ago. I can understand that. I was as I am now, miserable, confused, afraid, and very angry.
This morning, as I sit here at my desk 2 full hours before my work day is scheduled to begin, I began reflecting on those words, ‘lost all integrity.’
From http://dictionary.reference.com
in‧teg‧ri‧ty  ɪnˈtÉ›g rɪ ti – Show Spelled Pronunciation[in-teg-ri-tee] Pronunciation Key – Show IPA Pronunciation
–noun
1. adherence to moral and ethical principles; soundness of moral character; honesty.
2. the state of being whole, entire, or undiminished: to preserve the integrity of the empire.
3. a sound, unimpaired, or perfect condition: the integrity of a ship’s hull.
________________________________________
[Origin: 1400–50; late ME integrite < L integritÄs. See INTEGER, -ITY]
—Synonyms 1. rectitude, probity, virtue. See HONOR.
—Antonyms 1. dishonesty.
Based upon that definition, I would have to agree. I have no integrity. I worked for about 5 years as a software consultant. During that time I did what I had to do to survive, without much regard for moral constraints. This latest break would reinforce the notion that I don’t care about anyone around me. I would argue the opposite, but still some would see me as lacking. #1: check. I am not whole, entire, or undiminished. #2: check. And I am definitely not sound, unimpaired or in perfect condition. I’m a fucking basket case at the moment. #3: check.
Hmm…
So? This isn’t really telling me any thing I didn’t already know. Which reminds me of yet another lyric, something by John Mellencamp from back in his Cougar days?
…hypocrite used to be such a big word to you
And it don’t seem to mean anything to you now
From ‘Between a Laugh and a Tear’
That word used to hold meaning. Now it doesn’t. I know I am a hypocrite and I don’t care. I refuse to let anyone help me, while my friends know I would do anything I could to help them. I don’t obviously listen, when I expect others to listen to me. I do let things percolate around in the back of my noodle for days, weeks even years before I realize the intended meaning of a statement.
For what’s next?
I honestly don’t know. I have talked with the woman. She is not thrilled with me, but understands that this is something I have to do. I moved some of my guitars, books, and clothes over to my apartment. I have to get on my own two feet. I have to face these demons and work to rebuild myself, to gain integrity.
