Dry The Rain
The Beta Band
This is the definition of my life
Lying in bed in the sunlight
Choking on the vitamin tablet
The doctor gave in the hope of saving me
In the hope of saving me
Read more…
Saturday:
I helped Tony and Christine finish their move. The last effort was focused on cleaning out the shed and the garage. Not exactly fun especially when Tony got pissed when the garage door started acting up. There are days when he acts more like a two year old than a 35 year old.
After that effort was completed I went back to my apartment to take measurements. IKEA in Seattle was the next stop. The drive was reasonable. I loaded in some Marilynn Manson around Chehalis and the pace went up. Manson’s material always makes me feel very male. Anger, frustration, rage at society. I can relate to those sentiments. Feeling male is a good things for me. I haven’t felt very strong in a while. Read more…
I am not having a good day.
I keep feeling enormous amounts guilt and frustration over the events of the last couple of weeks. On one hand, I know I am trying to do what I believe is the ‘right’ thing to do, but not one around me seems to agree. I get mixed messages, silence and the brushoff depending upon who I engage. This is very hard for me to do. And I don’t see that it should be so difficult for everyone else to understand. I’m trying to fix myself so that I can be better, a better person, a better friend, a better partner. But that message doesn’t seem to get through. The ex called me selfish. Well, is it better to be selfish today so that I can become a healthier, stronger person tomorrow? Read more…
(Final edit and post: 27-Oct-2006 @ 10:45)
It’s 2:19 and I can’t sleep… again.
I left work a few minutes after 5 tonight, after a long day tracing errors. I spent the better part of two days tracking down a bug in my T-SQL / C# CLR code. The problem ended up being a missing tick mark on the T-SQL side, a ‘. I spent over 16 hours tracking down a missing ‘. Wonderful. With that problem solved I moved on to new ones. The joys of developing ‘new’ solutions. No one else in the office has written code for the SQL CLR before. I certainly haven’t done it before. Now, I’m a couple thousand lines in and not using the CLR isn’t an option. I have got to figure out how to make this work. Read more…
Live. Work. Die.
The Story of Jonathon
from Crimson Idol, B-side
by WASP
Mark kicked me out of the office last night. He was heading out at 17:30. I told him I would follow soon. To which he relied, “You should leave now.†“Why?†“There’s a relationship between the amount of time you spend coding and the quality of your code. You’ve been at it too long for too many days. You need a break.†Struggling to listen, to pay attention when counsel is being offered, I agreed. “You’re right. Give me a couple of minutes and I will come with you.â€
I was on the road within 15 minutes.
Read more…
In bed, laptop on… my lap. It has been a long day. I am exhausted but I am still awake and not really interested in sleeping just yet. NPR is playing on the clock radio. I don’t even have a stereo in my apartment, nor do have any kitchen stuff unpacked. The spice box is on the counter still taped shut. Laundry supplies are in a box or got migrated to the woman’s place. I need to restock everything. My frig contains 3 organic apples, 13 bottles of water and half of a 20 oz Pepsi. That’s it. Plus a baking soda box. Yeah, right. That’s really it.
That’s kinda how I feel, mostly tasteless, with a few cheap calories on the side. Read more…
Wild Child
from The Last Command and First Blood…Last Cuts
by W.A.S.P.
:: 
I ride, I ride the winds that bring the rain
A creature of love and I can’t be tamed
I want you, cause I’m gonna take your love from him
And I’ll touch your face and hot burning skin
No, he’ll never ever touch you like I do
So look in my eyes and burn alive the truth
Read more…
Mist over rain slick streets… Lita Ford riffs quietly on the stereo as I roll out on to the street.
Where am I going?
What am I doing?
I honestly don’t know.
Those around are taking various positions with my latest synaptic disruption. There’s a reason why my handle is motoPsycho. This isn’t the first melt down I have had. Hopefully, it will be the last. I need to learn new coping mechanisms, new ways of approaching my own life. Read more…
The Idol
Track 8 from The Crimson Idol
by W.A.S.P.
::
Will I be alone this morning
Will I need my friends
Something just to ease away the pain
And now I never see the loneliness
Behind my face
I am just a prisoner to my faith
Read more…
Something I forgot to mention…
As I was typing yesterday, I notice (my coworker) Scott’s hand creep on to the right side of my desk. A Brocks caramel remains as his hand withdraws. About 10 seconds later the same hand returns, this time depositing a packet of ‘Cramp Tablets.’ This of course action warrents a response.
My headphones come off and…
‘Thanks. What are friends for. Right? Fucker…’
<laughter>
‘Hey, I didn’t have any chocolate.’
I ate the caramel and kept the pills. You never know…
What am I?
Who will I become?
When will the suffering end?
These questions present a constant struggle for me. In the vein of my last post, I have started my freefall into hell and self-destructed. I moved out from the woman’s place on Sunday night. Is it the act of desperation, selfishness, or kindness? Having recognized the self-destructive path I had taken, I thought it best that I retreat to my apartment and try to regain some semblance of dignity and self-worth. Read more…
It’s no small wonder that I can’t sleep tonight, after consuming 4 Red Bull during the course of my day. Throw in a morning Coke for good measure and I have had enough caffeine to power a small army. I worked another long day today, leaving after 19:00. Having slept about 2.5 hours last night, I was surprised that I was half-way lucid this morning. Up and out, Red Bull in hand I was at work before 8am. Tonight, I slept for less than an hour this evening before I awoke. It’s 00:35 as I start typing.
I wish. I wish… for I don’t know what at the moment — which of course is a problem for me. I have great distain for those in-between moments in life. Which is what about 99% of life? (I’m not a control freak, I’m just drawing that way.) Writing software is about limiting chaos within a system. Writing database queries is all about Set Theory. Are you in or out of the set I am looking for. I picked up a primer on Set Theory a while ago. It is a very interesting topic. Read more…
03:08 – I can’t sleep, again. My brain is buzzed from the afternoon Red Bull and a 14 hour day writing code. Tomorrow looks to be the same. Somewhere in there I stopped eating beyond a morning snack and lunch with the boys. I have a major project due on Friday. I don’t think it is going to be done, hence the series of late nights hovering over my keyboards.
Dislocation
Yeah. Do you ever have that feeling that your soul is 1/2 step out of sync with the rest of the world? Read more…
